My Near-Death Whatever

A year ago today I experienced a miracle. This wasn't just a small everyday miracle, it was a huge miracle.

I was on my way to a hair appointment in Payson. I was in the fast lane and didn't feel the car in front of me was going fast enough so I made the (horrible) decision to move into the carpool lane, just for a minute. I thought I had looked, but as soon as I made my way into the other lane someone honked at me and I swerved back into the fast lane. Unfortunately, there was already someone in the other lane who then honked. Swerving again resulted in over correcting and spinning. The whole situation was very slow motion, I thought about my mom, my sister, my friends. I thought about how at least I got to see the BSB Concert the weekend before. As I was making my 1.5 turn I saw the semi. I knew I was going to hit the semi and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to lean my body into the seat as much as I could, you know, like you do on roller coasters and braced for impact. As soon as I hit the semi I was thrown back into the carpool lane where I spun a couple more times before my car finally stopped.

Not only was it a miracle that I was alive, but that I only suffered minor injuries. Poor Molly (my car) wasn't so lucky. While I had had many issues with her breaking down she stepped up that day, took one for the team, and saved my life. 

Also, shout out to Michael Jackson! I was listening to Man in the Mirror during the crash, therefore, I'm pretty sure MJ also saved my life. 

My near-death whatever really opened my eyes to how quickly everything can change. Life is crazy is like that. Carpe Diem/YOLO/live life to the fullest, because you never know when your last day will be your last. 

Dear Oma,

Today, on your birthday I am overwhelmed with the love and memories we share. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and wish I had more time. I guess that’s the cliché surrounding death, wishing we had just one more day to spend with the person we've lost. You said it best in a letter to Lily:

“Our hearts are ripped open and bleed. We mortals don’t know what to do with the pain of separation and as we try to grasp the enormity of it we are quickly surrounded by family and close friends who seem, in some wonderful way to help us begin to accept which must be accepted.”

Losing you has been one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I've watched as our family has grieved your immense loss and the thing that strikes me most is how much you’re loved. Grandpa especially loves you and watching him deal with this grief has been heartbreaking. The love he has for you is admirable and something I can only dream of having someday. I've watched as my mother has dealt with this loss, knowing there’s nothing I can do to ease her pain. I've watched Ellie as she’s tried to comprehend what changes your loss will bring.  

You taught me so much, Grandma. Such as the importance of family, being there for people in need, and blue eye shadow. The traditions you passed on are also something I will always treasure. Your loss often seems unbearable, but it’s through our traditions and memories your legacy lives on.

Remember when I had to have my kidney biopsy and you were there every step of the way? You let me take the temperature of your eye while we waited, you pushed me in my giant stroller, and you made me a scrapbook to remember it all. You were there for me in some of the biggest moments of my life: the loss of Lily, the endless trips to Primary Children’s, Ellie’s birth, and my parents’ divorce. While we didn't always see eye to eye, I knew I could always count on you. 

I miss you every day and often find myself regretting the time I took for granted. Thanks for everything Grandma – for always being the person I could turn to in times of need, inspiring me to be the very best me, and loving me despite all my flaws.

I love you to the moon and back,

Zoe 

People

Thinking about all the people I've had in my life blows my mind. Some have simply made quick appearances while others have become lasting, essential pieces to my life. Recently, I've learned it doesn't matter how attached you get to someone it doesn't stop them from leaving, no matter how strong you thought your bond was.

I often have this mindset that:

But then I read this:

"Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they've given us." 

When I take a step back and look at the people who have come and gone I realize how true this statement is. It sucks having people leave, but without those people I wouldn't be who I am. As hard as it is, I'm (slowly) learning not everything lasts forever and the importance of enjoying things while they last. 

The FUTURE

The unknown. It seems as though we go through life looking forward to the next milestone: graduation, college, marriage, kids, etc. It's kind of scary once you reach one of these milestones, because you've spent so many years imagining what life will be like once you reach it and now that it's here you can't help but wonder, "what's next?"

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. I used to have my entire life planned out, but life has a way of changing things; things that were once priorities aren't even a factor anymore. For someone who likes to be in control, it's a terrifying thing. As per usual, One Tree Hill saves the day by saying,"You're way too young not to believe it's gonna be okay."

I realize I am only 19 and have so much life ahead of me. Sometimes it's easy to find yourself dwelling on what lies ahead. As much control as we think we have of our futures, it can change in an instant. Although I'm not sure what the future holds I'm sure it'll all work out. After all, I'm too young not to believe it's gonna be okay.

To: Graduating Seniors

Graduation. It's here. I can't believe its been a year since I graduated. I've learned a lot during my short time in the "real world." For the last 12 years you've been working towards this day and now that it's finally here you don't know what to do about it. You can't help but wonder, what's next? School has been a constant in your life up until this point. If it hasn't hit you yet that you won't be attending public school in the Fall, it will; when you watch everyone going back to school and going school shopping, that's when it will hit you.

High School, school in general, is familiar territory. It's something you're used to and something you rely on. Don't get me wrong, college is exciting and the unknown is thrilling, but the unknown is also terrifying. I saw this the other day referring to graduation and I couldn't agree more:

You may not realize it now, but you will miss High School. I think about High School often and already wish I could go back, because the truth is High School is easier, more constant than the "real world." 

Change is something I've never liked so graduating High School was hard for me, because graduation=change. Graduating High School comes with a list of changes: people moving away to college, it's the beginning of hard decisons, and if you live around here it means people are leaving on missions. These changes are something I am still dealing with and it doesn't get easier, but it's life. 

Enjoy graduation. Take TONS of pictures!! You'll only graduate High School once, so take it all in. All the stuff that follows graduation will be different, but it's nothing you can't handle. Welcome to the "real world." 

The Luck of the Draw

As I was walking down the halls of UVZOO the other day I heard someone say, "We all do the best we can with the hand we're dealt."

This cliche has always made me think. Sure, all of us have our own separate trials and things we deal with, but can we change the hand we've been dealt? Obviously, we can choose how we play our hand and how we react to the hand we've been dealt, but is there anyway to change our hand altogether?

Lately I've been feeling like I need life to deal me a new hand because I'm sick of playing with mine.

Sister MEGAN Francis

I've been having to deal with this quite a bit lately…. friends leaving to go on missions. No matter how many times I've had to do it, it doesn't seem to get any easier.

This lovely leaves on her mission tomorrow! She is going to Little Rock, Arkansas. The funny thing is, she will be serving with another one of our good pals. Megan and I have had some great times and I am going to miss her like crazy. However, I am so proud of her and I know she will be a fantastic missionary.

Thanks for always being there for me, babe. Words can't even begin to describe how much I appreciate you. I love you and I'll see you in 18 months.